"Secrets of the Encased Heart"
A Class by Tejae Floyde

I don't know how to use all of the new Xanga buttons!

I'm still here.  Well, not so much on Xanga, but here on the Earth.

News:  Jim had a successful drug rehab and he has been clean and sober for 6 months.

I'm working hard on my website, That Creative Place.  I'm taking web design also. 
There's too much to talk about in regard to the website but it's all good. 

Robin is pregnant!  Yay!  She is due in August and Chase is SO excited!

Chase is now 5 1/2 years old.  Jakey is 4 1/2.  Here are some pictures of the boys:

 

Sarah is working on that Art History Degree...doing great.  Erin is doing her Fashion Thang
at the Art Institute of Seattle. All doing good.  I'll try to come around once in a while. 
I have been so busy with my site, though. 

Here are pictures from a couple of classes at my site going on:

Marilyn Radzat's class, "The Chariot" beginning April 26th (my birthday!)

"Messengers and Storytellers" with Dayle Doroshow

Ciao.

Life keeps taking it's turns and I'm getting motion sick from it. 

I went to Cherokee in June and it was great.  It had been such a long time since I had had anything to look forward to. 

When I came back, I had my hysterectomy.  That was a pretty quick physical recovery.  My surgery was totally laparascopic so I was doing yard work after 6 days.

Jim was put on Oxycontin for pain in about April and he spiraled into full addiction by the end of July.  He wasn't doctor-shopping or getting it on the streets: it was all prescription by the doctor who is in charge of his pain management.  But it really took hold of him.  So now he's detoxing which is NOT fun for any of us much less him.  He starts outpatient rehab today.

My life has felt nearly unbearable for the past two weeks.  Too much this year.  Just tooooo much.  I'm putting one foot in front of the other and trying to stay out of hopelessness but it rises up to swallow me from time to time.

Some of you have been writing to check on me: Thank you.  I wanted to let you know how I am. 

I have to go for all of my cancer check ups this month but I expect good results.  Bloodwork and MRIs to be done later this month.  I do hate the post hysterectomy hot flashes.  I can't take any hormone replacement and they are really a pain in the butt!

 

I said I didn't like to reread my journal but I'm not only rereading my entry from today, I'm posting part of it (uncensored).  There was a lesson for me.

On the patio this morning, I noticed that Jim had picked an arrangement of roses and put them in a vase.  I sat and wrote:

...a quote from a book that I'm reading has really helped me these past few days:

"The moment you are in contains all that you need to master, all your lessons, all your opportunities-if you will listen and expand with it."

I'm trying to listen.

I sit here looking at a flower arrangement of roses that Jim picked.  It's so natural and freeflowing-the roses are all over and it's so not-staged.  This is my life.  A floral arranger might not do this but it is so much more beautiful than a planned arrangement.

Listen.

The large stem is my strength-strong, strong stems and profuse blooming.  Some of the other roses are nearly spent and dropping petals.  Some perfectly formed and hiding under the huge stems of strong growth.  Many haven't bloomed yet, but most will.  A bee is inside the center of one of the really opened blooms, the spent bloom.  It's serving its purpose in the world and then it will shrivel and completely die.

My life-so unplanned.  The light and shadows are one of the things that make it beautiful.

I see the arrangement from another angle.  There are roses that I couldn't see from my view at the table.  It smells heavenly when I walk past it.  The leaves-the green are not as spectacular but it is what makes the bunch of roses so beautiful-the balance of color.
The roses face different directions: some look like they're seeking the sun and some turned away.  It is the most beautiful vase of flowers that I have ever seen.  It suits me.

This moment.  This is my life.

 

 

The truth is that I have been in emotional pain for many weeks now.  When I wrote that I was okay, it was only a half-truth.  I'm alive. 

I hate journaling but I started a journal yesterday.  The reason that I hate journaling is because I hate re-reading them.  And so I desided that my journal would be a repository of feelings but I'm going to throw it out, burn it, whatever when I'm done.  It will be the toilet that I regurgitate my negativity into.

I hate reading my raw thoughts because they're so "dumb" sounding.  I don't know how else to put it.  It's hard enough living through moments and emotions the first time without re-living the outrageous ups and downs.  I kept a journal from when I was pregnant with Sarah to a while after.  The only reason that I never threw it away is because it has all of my thoughts when I was pregnant.  The other shit...jeez!  It's incredibly painful for me to read through how confused and in denial I was.  I also look so horribly selfish: that's what I see when I read my thoughts. 

My hokey little journal from 1980-1982

Of course in scanning it I had to read a few lines.  UGH.  Bi-polar central!  I can't open it back up to quote it so you'll have to take my word for it.

There's all this crap roiling around in my head about life purpose and meaning.  Usually I like those things.  Right now, it's a pain in my ass. 

Are you entertained yet?  Well this is Lisa, from the land of real-ness, signing off.

Listening to: NOTHING!

I'm okay.  It's been a bit rough at times and I felt like crawling into a hole.  I manage to keep my spirits up most of the time.  But...I only have 4 radiation treatments left!  It's been a long 7 weeks. 

The night after I started my first radiation treatment, I started having what I call "meltdowns".  I would just cry and couldn't stop for hours.  See, right after the surgery, I was so elated that the cancer hadn't spread that I didn't really grieve.  I felt like I didn't have a right to since I had been so "lucky".  But then it hit me: It's not lucky to have cancer.  I felt like I had to have a good attitude at all times because that would insure my survival.  But then after corresponding with some other cancer survivors, I realized that a lot of really good people with really great attitudes lost the battle.  I think that good attitude is more for the people around us than for us...when we really don't feel like having a good attitude.  A REAL attitude, and admitting how I REALLY feel is much more important.

My overall opinion is that each person must take their own individual approach to dealing with Cancer.  For me, Sunshine and Roses was not my way.  I tend to be more irreverent and when I get mad, I say, "FUCK CANCER!"  I do intend to be cancer free and live a long life.  But I have to be honest to myself about my feelings.

I still laugh a lot...my Rads therapists are used to me saying the craziest things to make them laugh.  I gave one of the therapists some gourd seeds to grow and they all know me as "The Gourd Lady" now.   I have slipped into being my same-ole raunchy self and we all get along.

My site is still going with a temporary lull in classes.  But I have lots of new things lined up for the next months.   I changed the name to reflect the different mediums:  That Creative Place.  We have students from as far as Italy, Australia, Netherlands, and Canada.  So I'm happy about that part of life.

Jim decided to get some Button Quail eggs and put them in an incubator.  Out of our first batch 3 weeks ago, only two out of 5 that hatched survived.  But those two are such sweeties and I get joy out of seeing them every day.  Meet Brownie and Buttercup:

They're much bigger now: almost full grown but only about 4 inches tall!  I will get some new pictures of them soon.  Buttercup is white now.

That's about all from the land of Lisa.  I have other pics to share of Jake and Chase and Easter pics but I'll end this for now.

Blessings to all of you.

Lisa

 

I am doing so well!  I don't have to have Chemotherapy...only radiation.  I'm so relieved.  Coming right on the tail end of my recovery from surgery, we all got the most awful flu that we have ever had.  I had it for almost three weeks.  So while I was feeling great about the cancer outcome, I was knocked off my feet and didn't feel so good about life.  I'm finally getting better every day.

Unfortunately, Cathy (DesertRose) went into kidney failure this last week and received her first dialysis on Thursday.  This has hit me very hard because she is so much more than my best friend: I consider her my sister.  I have been too sick to go and visit and make the drive there but maybe next weekend I will.  For those of you who know our eerie similarities, I think that we both count on each other to keep living.  So I feel like I'm holding her hand and pulling her forward now.  She may not know it....

With all of this in my life, I have had to re-evaluate the way that I live...just as many do when they're faced with a life-threatening illness.   It made me face the ultimate, "Do I want to live?" question.  This may seem like an easy answer but life has been so hard for me for so long that I waver.  For now, I have decided that I WANT to live and I WILL live for the people that I love.  In time, I hope that it will be for me, too.

Have you ever fallen in love with a bathtub?  I did this week.  Of course I can't buy it but if I were wealthy, THIS is the bathtub that I would have, soak in, and dream in.  It would probably be outside, too. 

 

 

GOOD NEWS!  The pathology report is back from my surgery and my lymph nodes are clear and they got all of the cancer!!  I was jumping up and down (holding my breast of course    ) and crying when we heard!  No more surgery.  I even get to keep my breast.  Those are words I never thought I would say.

 

I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate your support and caring and especially your prayers. 

 

Hugs and Love,

Lisa

 

 

The new doll that I started yesterday.  She is made with polymer on the face and apoxie sculpt on the dress.  She has freshwater pearls and beads embedded in the dress.  I will probably mount her on a base and put some kind of fabric under the dress (remove the foil).  I ran out of apoxie before I could get the arms and hands done.

The turtles are my previously burnt turtles!

I'm doing great.  Still sore but in great spirits.

I started working on a game board today called The Creative Journey.  I'm having fun with that! 

Love and hugs to all of you.  I'm sure that I'm doing well because of all of the prayers and thoughts on my behalf.

Lisa

 

A quick update:

I had surgery on Wednesday and I'm doing well!  A bit sore but I feel good otherwise.

The day of surgery was a very long one...my surgery got delayed by about 3 hours so that made for a long wait.  Now I wait on the pathology report to see if they got all of the cancer and if it has traveled to my lymph nodes.  I'm in good spirits and know that everything will be okay in the long run.

I had a dream that a holy woman was looking at me and she had previously seen a black fog hanging over me.  She then told me to turn and look at her and when I did, she said, "it's gone".  That was a good dream.

Eventually the cancer will be all gone even if it is not yet.  We shall see...

Thank you again for your concerns and prayers.

Lisa

A lady from one of the lists that I'm on sent me this beautiful beaded doll.  IT's about 3 1/2 inches long:

   

Hanging in there.  Little bit of a rollercoaster ride emotionally.

Morbid Humor amongst friends:

Cathy asked me one time, "have you picked out the outfit that you're going to be buried in?"  I said, "no...I'm going to be cremated" ....long pause....then Cathy said, "can we have a viewing??"  I said, "NO!  That's CREEPY!"

Sometimes it helps to make fun of it all. 

Robin and I were going to watch a movie at my mom's this week.  She was laying down and I walked into the room.  I tried to hand her the DVD and said, "will you put it in?"  she said, "You're already up!!"  I replied, "I have Cancer!!" 

The breast and cancer jokes are going to run rampant for a while, I think. 

Hugs.