The truth is that I have been in emotional pain for many weeks now.  When I wrote that I was okay, it was only a half-truth.  I'm alive. 

I hate journaling but I started a journal yesterday.  The reason that I hate journaling is because I hate re-reading them.  And so I desided that my journal would be a repository of feelings but I'm going to throw it out, burn it, whatever when I'm done.  It will be the toilet that I regurgitate my negativity into.

I hate reading my raw thoughts because they're so "dumb" sounding.  I don't know how else to put it.  It's hard enough living through moments and emotions the first time without re-living the outrageous ups and downs.  I kept a journal from when I was pregnant with Sarah to a while after.  The only reason that I never threw it away is because it has all of my thoughts when I was pregnant.  The other shit...jeez!  It's incredibly painful for me to read through how confused and in denial I was.  I also look so horribly selfish: that's what I see when I read my thoughts. 

My hokey little journal from 1980-1982

Of course in scanning it I had to read a few lines.  UGH.  Bi-polar central!  I can't open it back up to quote it so you'll have to take my word for it.

There's all this crap roiling around in my head about life purpose and meaning.  Usually I like those things.  Right now, it's a pain in my ass. 

Are you entertained yet?  Well this is Lisa, from the land of real-ness, signing off.

Listening to: NOTHING!

I'm okay.  It's been a bit rough at times and I felt like crawling into a hole.  I manage to keep my spirits up most of the time.  But...I only have 4 radiation treatments left!  It's been a long 7 weeks. 

The night after I started my first radiation treatment, I started having what I call "meltdowns".  I would just cry and couldn't stop for hours.  See, right after the surgery, I was so elated that the cancer hadn't spread that I didn't really grieve.  I felt like I didn't have a right to since I had been so "lucky".  But then it hit me: It's not lucky to have cancer.  I felt like I had to have a good attitude at all times because that would insure my survival.  But then after corresponding with some other cancer survivors, I realized that a lot of really good people with really great attitudes lost the battle.  I think that good attitude is more for the people around us than for us...when we really don't feel like having a good attitude.  A REAL attitude, and admitting how I REALLY feel is much more important.

My overall opinion is that each person must take their own individual approach to dealing with Cancer.  For me, Sunshine and Roses was not my way.  I tend to be more irreverent and when I get mad, I say, "FUCK CANCER!"  I do intend to be cancer free and live a long life.  But I have to be honest to myself about my feelings.

I still laugh a lot...my Rads therapists are used to me saying the craziest things to make them laugh.  I gave one of the therapists some gourd seeds to grow and they all know me as "The Gourd Lady" now.   I have slipped into being my same-ole raunchy self and we all get along.

My site is still going with a temporary lull in classes.  But I have lots of new things lined up for the next months.   I changed the name to reflect the different mediums:  That Creative Place.  We have students from as far as Italy, Australia, Netherlands, and Canada.  So I'm happy about that part of life.

Jim decided to get some Button Quail eggs and put them in an incubator.  Out of our first batch 3 weeks ago, only two out of 5 that hatched survived.  But those two are such sweeties and I get joy out of seeing them every day.  Meet Brownie and Buttercup:

They're much bigger now: almost full grown but only about 4 inches tall!  I will get some new pictures of them soon.  Buttercup is white now.

That's about all from the land of Lisa.  I have other pics to share of Jake and Chase and Easter pics but I'll end this for now.

Blessings to all of you.

Lisa