April 29, 2007
-
The truth is that I have been in emotional pain for many weeks now. When I wrote that I was okay, it was only a half-truth. I'm alive.
I hate journaling but I started a journal yesterday. The reason that I hate journaling is because I hate re-reading them. And so I desided that my journal would be a repository of feelings but I'm going to throw it out, burn it, whatever when I'm done. It will be the toilet that I regurgitate my negativity into.I hate reading my raw thoughts because they're so "dumb" sounding. I don't know how else to put it. It's hard enough living through moments and emotions the first time without re-living the outrageous ups and downs. I kept a journal from when I was pregnant with Sarah to a while after. The only reason that I never threw it away is because it has all of my thoughts when I was pregnant. The other shit...jeez! It's incredibly painful for me to read through how confused and in denial I was. I also look so horribly selfish: that's what I see when I read my thoughts.
My hokey little journal from 1980-1982Of course in scanning it I had to read a few lines. UGH. Bi-polar central! I can't open it back up to quote it so you'll have to take my word for it.
There's all this crap roiling around in my head about life purpose and meaning. Usually I like those things. Right now, it's a pain in my ass.
Are you entertained yet? Well this is Lisa, from the land of real-ness, signing off.
Listening to: NOTHING!
Comments (5)
I'm studying "The Secret". I've always practiced it, just didn't know that's what I was doing. It helps! You might want to look into it. It helps with the way people see things. They've sort of made it look dramatic and silly here but.....anyhow I left you the link.
I hope things will be better and you'll have many happy times to write in your journal. I've spoken your name in prayers many time.
hello Lisa ! Thanks to warn me you have updated .I came from time to time and I was wonderering what was happening . In fact you had no motivation to post on xanga .
I imagine what you can feel ( I try to imagine ) since I had a daughter in law who had a breast cancer and his healed now ( after somplete surgery and chemo ) and at this moment another daughter in law has a pleura cancer .
The journal can help . and you know , we all are made in the same way .
I encoyrage you , dear Lisa .
Love
Michel
LOL, we come from such different perspectives.... my narssicism likes rereading about ME, LOL! Okay, I just want to give you credit for being honest... with yourself and others. Do you know how many people just won't face reality in that area? The attitude is often that it's good for everyone else, but not themselves, ya know? Everyone is intensely selfish (who else's perspective can we really consider?) and we all sound stupid a lot of the time (ourselves are so limited in our perspective of the whole gamut of it ALL!) So, I commend you for dumping it out... I suggest a very ceremonial and perhaps silly (parody of some serious thing?) burning of the junk when the time comes! I love, LOVE those goofy lil characters on your hokey lil journal! Those are to us what Strawberry Shortcake, Hello Kitty and Care Bears are for our kids, LOL! Keep laughing... it's GOOD medicine! (((HUGS!)))
i'm the stick with it even when it is stinks. actually when it stinks i get even more curious. turmoil sucks big time- no where to run to- the discomfort and the no where to run to. talking and talking and talking about the feeling helps me - for about five minutes and then i need to talk about it again. it seems to be a place in time where we each are going through some pretty discomforting transitions. me too- me too. are you back for awhile lisa? -g
I'm with Gaye above. It's like a train wreck - I can't help but look and be fascinated with my old journals. But I get what you feel about it.
Of course you're in emotional pain. Sometimes we need to steep in it, others it's better to deny, I suppose. I hope you find the right balance.
Comments are closed.